In-laws

Growing up I often wondered what it would be like to have in-laws. Stereo-typically, in-laws are awful people. They butt into your lives and create drama. Often times they hate you for even existing. And they tend to be judgmental and overly critical annoyances that create rifts within your marriage.

Then I met my husband’s family. They were similar to mine. They were kind. They were inclusive. They were friendly. As I held them up against the stereotypical in-laws I wondered what would change with time. In my case, our relationships only get better. In my experience “the in-laws” are nothing like the stereotype.

Having had studied this week in my marriage class about in-laws and the damage they can cause in a marriage, and having had spent the past two weeks with the many recent additions to my family of origin, I began to consider what kind of in-law I am. For the first time I stopped thinking of others as my in-laws and starting thinking of me as theirs.

I looked back over the very start of my relationship with my husband and his family. I remember feeling nervous and worried wanting their approval. I remember after the very first visit wondering if they thought I was a good fit for their son and brother, and for their family. I really didn't want to be the one puzzle piece that found its way into the wrong puzzle. Apparently, they approved.

Getting back to me as the in-law… I spent the past two weeks with my family. There are six of us original children. Five of us have been married within the past 5 years, two of which were in the last 6 months.

While noticing the differences between the differing relationships among my siblings, my husband reminded me how difficult I felt it was at first to be the new one in the family. Despite loving all of my sibling’s spouses, I was reminded of how hard the transition was for me into my husband’s family despite their accepting and welcoming natures toward me.

I came to the conclusion that it is far easier to be the family of origin than it is to be the addition to it. In other words, it is much more difficult to be the implant into someone else’s family of origin.

Yet, the guiding family rule in our family is that marriage is binding. And part of marriage is as the bible counsels,” leaving father and mother and cleaving” to your spouse. In their book entitled Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World," James Harper and Susan Olson explain the power of family bonds by siting 1 Corinthians 12 in the Bible. They explain, “For as the body is one, and hath many members, and all the members of that one body, being many, are one body… And the eye cannot say unto the hand, I have no need of thee: nor again the head to the feet, I have no need of you.” So is the family. When my sibling marries someone, that someone becomes part of him/her, and in turn part of the body of us. We don’t cut off the hand.

 

Here is the real kicker for me… using this analogy, a person without a limb has a more difficult life. What others feel are ordinary and easy day to day tasks are much more difficult. The same goes for the family. United as a whole, families are stronger than if (especially because of differences) they are missing members. Moreover, marriages are stronger if the original body accepts and welcomes the new spouse.  I had never thought of this last part before. Marriages are stronger if the original body accepts and welcomes the new spouse. In other words, the better I accept my siblings’ spouses, the more I am helping strengthen my siblings’ marriages.

Adding Kids to the Mix

Over the last several weeks I have discussed the hardships and challenges within marriage. One major challenge that greatly affects marriages is adding kids to the mix.

Children turn life up-side-down. With simply referring to the transition alone, having children means entering a world of new things. Even if the parents have a lot of experience with children, having your own is a totally new experience. They never turn off. They are always there. Especially as newborns, they always need something and for the first few years they can’t actually tell you as the parent what they need. When they are hungry, they cry. When they are tired, they cry. When they need a diaper change, they cry. When they are hot, they cry. For years they depend on mommy and daddy for not only every single need, but actually anticipating every single need all day and all night. And if they don’t cry for any one of those things, as a parent, you start to worry and wonder, “Are they okay? Are they sick? Are they starving? What is going on with this little baby that I love and that cannot tell me exactly what they need?”

Then, when you finally feel like you have it all figured out and you feel ready to have another kid, that kid comes and changes all the rules. They have their own needs, their own personalities, their own frustrations and their own everything. And suddenly you feel like a total amateur all over again.

While discussing with the many new and much more experienced parents within my immediate family, I asked a few questions about their transitions to and through parenthood. Although their situations are all unique, and their parenting strategies are all very different, there were a few things they all had in common. It seemed that all of them felt that in order to have success within their new found family dynamics, they have to abide by specific rules that could always be constants, no matter how many additions, or what additions to the family came their way.

Without my siblings realizing it, they explained the exact four principles that Richard B.  Miller, Director of the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University explains should be guiding principles within the family. They include

1. Parents are the leaders of the family.
2. Parents must be united in their leadership.
3. The parent-child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults.
4. The marital relationship should be a partnership.

All of the members in my family are great parents. They all do parenting very differently, but each one of them independently feel that the easiest and most natural change in their transition to parenthood was loving that new little baby no matter the sacrifice or challenge that came with him/her. They all have these overarching principles guiding them through the challenges that come with the greatest responsibility they will ever have.

I have always wondered how infidelity within marriage takes place.  How do two people find each other, fall in love, and decide to get married. But then a number of years later find themselves struggling to love that same person because they are unfortunately falling in love with another.

When I found my husband, I knew we were off to a great start.  

One day in my singles church group a new guy walked in. A friend of mine looked over and rhetorically asked, “Who is the new eye candy??” loud enough for everyone around her to hear.

From that point on his former name (or actual name) was almost an afterthought. Everyone knew him as “eye candy.” And for good reason. He was a good looking guy. But aside from his looks, he was responsible, kind, intelligent, loyal, and just all around good. Everyone went out of their way to be around him, and all the girls wanted to date him. Fortunately for me, he was an amazing man on the hunt for the” right” girl. After we met he seemed to have determined pretty quickly that it was me. We started dating, but I had a few worries and as I have mentioned in past posts for reasons I won’t get into here… I broke up with him.

During that time of separation it was hard to stay away from each other. He was friends with everyone. He was invited everywhere.  I could see that even though we were no longer dating, others girls didn’t interest him. He only had eyes for me. Even though other girls hoped he would ask them out, he was still only interesting in dating me. That faithfulness despite hardship was one of the many important factors that helped me determine that he too was the one for me.

Almost five years after coining his nickname (by which many still refer to him, including me), we are happily married.  

This is just my love story. Other couples have very different stories with one great similarity: That is that they met, fell in love, and decided to make promises to each other to love, honor, and cherish each other for the rest of their lives. The problem is that all couples fit into this same category at first. But it can be dangerous to think that our relationship can be immune to infidelity. Without actively working on and strengthening our marriage, and actively avoiding the pitfalls of infidelity, anyone can find themselves in trouble.

Unfortunately many people find that cherishing their spouse is much more difficult than they thought it would be. For some, faithfulness to their spouse waivers and they find themselves starting the process with someone new. The only problem is, they are still married.

So how does infidelity happen?

According to H. Wallace Goddard in his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, there is a path that leads to infidelity and it all starts with innocent intentions. He calls it the:

Progression of Unfaithfulness

·         Behaviors that seem innocent (i.e., missionary work, doing good, helping in some capacity)

·         An affection grows that claims part of one’s heart

·         Extramarital flirting. Justification-“no harm intended”

·         Relationship declared as “special”

·         Opportunities created to see “special friend” (One worries what others will say/think)

·         Excuses made, lies told to hide time and resources spent on other person

·         Spouse is displaced. Emotional intimacy exchanged with “special friend”

·         Faultfinding with spouse

·         Fantasies about other person

·         Physical affection– a squeeze, a kiss, a hug

·         Sexual relations

Infidelity is a slippery slope. It doesn’t always start with the end (or your spouse) in mind. But in order to prevent it that is exactly where our mind should be: On the end result of our actions and on our spouse. In order to avoiding falling down that slippery slope so fast and so far that there is no recovery,  we must be proactive about creating our own happy marriage and avoiding any of the steps that lead in the other direction.

Playing by the Same Rules

A few years into college I met two brothers who were a lot of fun and easy to hang out with. But when it came to playing games, not many people enjoyed their quick wit and joyful nature. The problem was that in any given game most people play following the rules and setting out to achieve the game’s depicted objective according to the rule book. These brothers never did that. They created their own objective. They may have lost the actual game terribly, but that didn’t matter at all. Sometimes they had a noble objective with hopes simply to include someone that desperately needed including, other times their sole objective was to annoy someone. But the point was that it didn’t matter to them who won the game’s actual objective because what mattered to them was the game they were actually playing.

With that story in mind, I want to talk about the power of compromise in marriage.

I once heard a saying that went something like:

Compromise = two people agreeing to a lose/lose situation.

This explains two people giving in and losing because neither one actually gets what they really want.

But what is it that is lost? Power? Freedom? Control? Maybe. But, what is the game, and what is the objective of that game? When seen as a lose/lose situation, compromise means that two people are playing the same game but with a different objective.

In fact, it would mean that they are so focused on winning the game that they are not worried about their partner’s feelings or goals.

In his book, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman explains the reasons and consequences of why some people can’t find a compromise. He calls these uncompromising situations “gridlock,” and explains why couples feel that they are losing if they compromise. He says,

“Gridlock is a sign that you each have dreams for your life that the other isn’t aware of, or hasn’t acknowledged, or doesn’t respect.”

Gridlock in some cases can go on for years, where two people dig in their heals so deep on their side of an issue that they cannot compromise. Gottman suggest that in happy marriages in order for a true compromise to be reached both parties must win, and that can be achieved as they discuss the dreams behind their desires. In the end of the day, the game you are playing is not so important as being sure that you and your spouse are playing by the same rules.

So next time you and your spouse have that same old argument about that subject that no one ever wants to talk about because it only ever leads to an argument because you just don’t seem to see eye to eye on, try changing your objective. Stop worrying about who is winning and loosing. Stop talking in circles. Get out of gridlock by talking about the rules you are playing by. Talk about your dreams and goals that drive you moves. Get on the same page with your spouse and start playing with all the rules out in the open. Games are much more fun to play when you are playing the game together and not playing your own game with someone that feels lost, confused, and left out.

Give it Your All

I have said it before, but growing up, I watched my parents make marriage look easy. The most remarkable thing about their marriage was their absolute unity. It seemed flawless. The one thing we kids knew was that they were a united front. Everything they did as parents reflected the deeper principle that in their marriage they were one. They loved each other and they liked each other. They were all in.

How do couples achieve such unity? The underlying principle lies in math. Logically, or should I say mathematically, two halves equal a whole. It is really as simple as that. But in united marriages, the math is far more complicated, yet much more simple.

Most in the world would define it as a 50/50 union where the husband and wife both give 50% thus mathematically equaling 100%. But that couldn’t be more wrong. If two people in a couple were to each give 50% they would be putting forth a failing effort. And reflecting their effort, their marriage would likely fail.

Unity in marriage will not come from two spouses giving an equal 50%.

So really, the equation should look like this:

100% wife + 100% husband=100% Unity in marriage.

In his book, Drawing Heaven Into Our Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard said:

“No partner on the face of the earth can meet all our needs. In mortality, we live with disappointment. We can dwell on our discontent or we can celebrate the points of connection.”

Giving 100% in a marriage isn’t easy. It means doing all you can in order to:

“…dedicate our lives, our talents, our weekends, and our weaknesses to the sacred enterprise of sanctifying our marriages and ultimately perfecting our souls.”

Giving 100% in marriage is a great protection. It prevents petty differences from becoming what John Gottman calls “perpetual differences.” Perpetual differences are unsolvable problems in which hidden or unspoken dreams are unnoticed or disregarded, thus creating uncompromising hearts and contentious disputes that never seem to get solved. 

Giving 100% causes two people to come together and in the face of differing personalities, preferences and pet peeves to compromise, give in or give up whatever may be standing in the way of oneness. It teaches that true unity is true power. We cannot fully trust, understand, or love another while we are only giving a half effort. 

Love is Not a Happy Accident

Like any other little girl, I spent my movie watching hours enthralled with fairy tales. My particular favorite was Sleeping Beauty. 

What a tale of heroism, courage, love, and winning against all odds. I longed for my own story complete with my personal “and they lived happily ever after.”

What those movies left out were a few details about how exactly those “happily ever afters” are really achieved. It neglects including any of those hiccups that are bound to come along.

For example, a few weeks ago my husband spent a week in Europe for work. The kids and I had a great week. But we were very excited for dad to come home. I couldn’t wait for him to be home so we could relax and talk and just enjoy each other’s company with some adult conversation. When he got home we had a party! But I forgot one major factor with his return. 

He had spent the week in a very different time zone and jet lag was something I didn’t factor in. I had unrealistic expectation about his return and his need for sleep while I had hopes of conversation. It left me feeling… well… irritated. After all, didn’t he understand how much I needed his attention? Did he miss me too? And the complaints went on and on from there with the one focus… me.

Well, where does irritation come from? What is it? And what does it do for marriage?

In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard says irritation is one of Satan’s tactics to divide relationships. He says,

 “When we are feeling irked, annoyed, or irritated with our spouse, we have our backs toward heaven… The natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others. God has asked us to do the opposite.” Goddard suggests that “irritation can prompt us to immediate humility and immediate repentance.”

Was I in the wrong for wanting my husband’s attention? I don’t think so, no. In fact, if I didn’t than that would say something very different about our marriage. However, was I thinking about his needs? No. And was he wrong for being tired? Again, no, he wasn’t in the wrong either. So who was right? Does it matter? But the minute I allowed pride to cause irritation, I was in the wrong. The real problem is that selfishness and pride are the opposite of humility. They cannot exist at the same time. But neither can a happy marriage exist with selfishness and pride. So what could I have done?

A teacher I once had used to suggest that “more important than being right, was being united.” I never really understood what he meant until now. Pride caused me to feel like I am in the right, when in reality fighting my case only brings contention and misery. Ultimately, what did I win for fighting to prove I was right? NOTHING. In fact, I won less than nothing. So, more importantly than prideful rightness, is loving humility which brings unity. Successful marriage is about connection, but pride leaves you very lonely.  In the end of the day, there are better ways to deal with hiccups in marriage. Hiccups are bound to come but pride should never govern them. Irritation can be a perfect indicator that we need to seek out one of those alternative options, such as pausing long enough to think of the other’s entire situation and how they may be feeling. The choice to allow pride to govern marriage leads to sorrow, but to allow loving humility to govern marriage leads to happiness. And as Goddard says,

“Love is not a happy accident; It is a choice.”

Tradition

                 I grew up in a happy home with a happy family. Now that I am a mom, I realize how amazing my parents were. They made things that are really quite hard (and require A TON of energy) look so easy… as if it were no work at all. As a mom, I can see how much work is required to incorporate the important things into life. As I am building my own family, I am looking at my childhood more closely to figure out how to build a successful home myself and I can see that what made life wonderful were our family rituals, or traditions.

                Christmas was full of them. We had traditions leading up to Christmas, we had traditions that were a part of Christmas, and we had traditions after Christmas to cope with the fact that Christmas was over. These traditions built strong bonds within our family and taught us how to make life fun and centered on important things with the most important people in our lives.

                 So how does this apply to marriage? John Gottman says,

“Creating rituals in your marriage (and with your children) can be a powerful antidote to this tendency to disconnect. A ritual is a structured event or routine that you each enjoy and depend on and that both reflects and reinforces your sense of togetherness.”

                 The rituals we incorporate into our marriage (and family) can include anything that builds the bond between you. They become defining aspects of our lives and relationships. They strengthen the bonds we share and fortify our relationships from distraction, from distress, from disagreements, and from our very differences.

                 I have seen firsthand in my life the power of rituals.

     I share the most important ritual in my life with my husband. It is faith in God and in His son, Jesus Christ. In his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard quoted President Ezra Taft Benson when he said,

“When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities. We should put God ahead of everyone else in our lives.”

               Putting God ahead of even each other, my husband and I can know that our priorities are in the proper order. It is the most comforting ritual we work on every single day. We are by no means perfect at it, but I know that as we continually work on it, or heads are on straight and the decisions big or small that we make are with the right purposes in mind. This tradition guides everything including what oppositions we allow in our lives and marriage and the answers of how best to deal with them.

             There is nothing more important than the rituals in our home. Whether they define how we celebrate holidays, or how we talk to each other on a daily basis, the traditions and rituals that guide our home and family are everything. They are worth all the energy (and probably much more) that we can possibly put into them.