I have always wondered how infidelity within marriage takes place.  How do two people find each other, fall in love, and decide to get married. But then a number of years later find themselves struggling to love that same person because they are unfortunately falling in love with another.

When I found my husband, I knew we were off to a great start.  

One day in my singles church group a new guy walked in. A friend of mine looked over and rhetorically asked, “Who is the new eye candy??” loud enough for everyone around her to hear.

From that point on his former name (or actual name) was almost an afterthought. Everyone knew him as “eye candy.” And for good reason. He was a good looking guy. But aside from his looks, he was responsible, kind, intelligent, loyal, and just all around good. Everyone went out of their way to be around him, and all the girls wanted to date him. Fortunately for me, he was an amazing man on the hunt for the” right” girl. After we met he seemed to have determined pretty quickly that it was me. We started dating, but I had a few worries and as I have mentioned in past posts for reasons I won’t get into here… I broke up with him.

During that time of separation it was hard to stay away from each other. He was friends with everyone. He was invited everywhere.  I could see that even though we were no longer dating, others girls didn’t interest him. He only had eyes for me. Even though other girls hoped he would ask them out, he was still only interesting in dating me. That faithfulness despite hardship was one of the many important factors that helped me determine that he too was the one for me.

Almost five years after coining his nickname (by which many still refer to him, including me), we are happily married.  

This is just my love story. Other couples have very different stories with one great similarity: That is that they met, fell in love, and decided to make promises to each other to love, honor, and cherish each other for the rest of their lives. The problem is that all couples fit into this same category at first. But it can be dangerous to think that our relationship can be immune to infidelity. Without actively working on and strengthening our marriage, and actively avoiding the pitfalls of infidelity, anyone can find themselves in trouble.

Unfortunately many people find that cherishing their spouse is much more difficult than they thought it would be. For some, faithfulness to their spouse waivers and they find themselves starting the process with someone new. The only problem is, they are still married.

So how does infidelity happen?

According to H. Wallace Goddard in his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, there is a path that leads to infidelity and it all starts with innocent intentions. He calls it the:

Progression of Unfaithfulness

·         Behaviors that seem innocent (i.e., missionary work, doing good, helping in some capacity)

·         An affection grows that claims part of one’s heart

·         Extramarital flirting. Justification-“no harm intended”

·         Relationship declared as “special”

·         Opportunities created to see “special friend” (One worries what others will say/think)

·         Excuses made, lies told to hide time and resources spent on other person

·         Spouse is displaced. Emotional intimacy exchanged with “special friend”

·         Faultfinding with spouse

·         Fantasies about other person

·         Physical affection– a squeeze, a kiss, a hug

·         Sexual relations

Infidelity is a slippery slope. It doesn’t always start with the end (or your spouse) in mind. But in order to prevent it that is exactly where our mind should be: On the end result of our actions and on our spouse. In order to avoiding falling down that slippery slope so fast and so far that there is no recovery,  we must be proactive about creating our own happy marriage and avoiding any of the steps that lead in the other direction.