In-laws

Growing up I often wondered what it would be like to have in-laws. Stereo-typically, in-laws are awful people. They butt into your lives and create drama. Often times they hate you for even existing. And they tend to be judgmental and overly critical annoyances that create rifts within your marriage.

Then I met my husband’s family. They were similar to mine. They were kind. They were inclusive. They were friendly. As I held them up against the stereotypical in-laws I wondered what would change with time. In my case, our relationships only get better. In my experience “the in-laws” are nothing like the stereotype.

Having had studied this week in my marriage class about in-laws and the damage they can cause in a marriage, and having had spent the past two weeks with the many recent additions to my family of origin, I began to consider what kind of in-law I am. For the first time I stopped thinking of others as my in-laws and starting thinking of me as theirs.

I looked back over the very start of my relationship with my husband and his family. I remember feeling nervous and worried wanting their approval. I remember after the very first visit wondering if they thought I was a good fit for their son and brother, and for their family. I really didn't want to be the one puzzle piece that found its way into the wrong puzzle. Apparently, they approved.

Getting back to me as the in-law… I spent the past two weeks with my family. There are six of us original children. Five of us have been married within the past 5 years, two of which were in the last 6 months.

While noticing the differences between the differing relationships among my siblings, my husband reminded me how difficult I felt it was at first to be the new one in the family. Despite loving all of my sibling’s spouses, I was reminded of how hard the transition was for me into my husband’s family despite their accepting and welcoming natures toward me.

I came to the conclusion that it is far easier to be the family of origin than it is to be the addition to it. In other words, it is much more difficult to be the implant into someone else’s family of origin.

Yet, the guiding family rule in our family is that marriage is binding. And part of marriage is as the bible counsels,” leaving father and mother and cleaving” to your spouse. In their book entitled Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World," James Harper and Susan Olson explain the power of family bonds by siting 1 Corinthians 12 in the Bible. They explain, “For as the body is one, and hath many members, and all the members of that one body, being many, are one body… And the eye cannot say unto the hand, I have no need of thee: nor again the head to the feet, I have no need of you.” So is the family. When my sibling marries someone, that someone becomes part of him/her, and in turn part of the body of us. We don’t cut off the hand.

 

Here is the real kicker for me… using this analogy, a person without a limb has a more difficult life. What others feel are ordinary and easy day to day tasks are much more difficult. The same goes for the family. United as a whole, families are stronger than if (especially because of differences) they are missing members. Moreover, marriages are stronger if the original body accepts and welcomes the new spouse.  I had never thought of this last part before. Marriages are stronger if the original body accepts and welcomes the new spouse. In other words, the better I accept my siblings’ spouses, the more I am helping strengthen my siblings’ marriages.