Love is Not a Happy Accident

Like any other little girl, I spent my movie watching hours enthralled with fairy tales. My particular favorite was Sleeping Beauty. 

What a tale of heroism, courage, love, and winning against all odds. I longed for my own story complete with my personal “and they lived happily ever after.”

What those movies left out were a few details about how exactly those “happily ever afters” are really achieved. It neglects including any of those hiccups that are bound to come along.

For example, a few weeks ago my husband spent a week in Europe for work. The kids and I had a great week. But we were very excited for dad to come home. I couldn’t wait for him to be home so we could relax and talk and just enjoy each other’s company with some adult conversation. When he got home we had a party! But I forgot one major factor with his return. 

He had spent the week in a very different time zone and jet lag was something I didn’t factor in. I had unrealistic expectation about his return and his need for sleep while I had hopes of conversation. It left me feeling… well… irritated. After all, didn’t he understand how much I needed his attention? Did he miss me too? And the complaints went on and on from there with the one focus… me.

Well, where does irritation come from? What is it? And what does it do for marriage?

In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard says irritation is one of Satan’s tactics to divide relationships. He says,

 “When we are feeling irked, annoyed, or irritated with our spouse, we have our backs toward heaven… The natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others. God has asked us to do the opposite.” Goddard suggests that “irritation can prompt us to immediate humility and immediate repentance.”

Was I in the wrong for wanting my husband’s attention? I don’t think so, no. In fact, if I didn’t than that would say something very different about our marriage. However, was I thinking about his needs? No. And was he wrong for being tired? Again, no, he wasn’t in the wrong either. So who was right? Does it matter? But the minute I allowed pride to cause irritation, I was in the wrong. The real problem is that selfishness and pride are the opposite of humility. They cannot exist at the same time. But neither can a happy marriage exist with selfishness and pride. So what could I have done?

A teacher I once had used to suggest that “more important than being right, was being united.” I never really understood what he meant until now. Pride caused me to feel like I am in the right, when in reality fighting my case only brings contention and misery. Ultimately, what did I win for fighting to prove I was right? NOTHING. In fact, I won less than nothing. So, more importantly than prideful rightness, is loving humility which brings unity. Successful marriage is about connection, but pride leaves you very lonely.  In the end of the day, there are better ways to deal with hiccups in marriage. Hiccups are bound to come but pride should never govern them. Irritation can be a perfect indicator that we need to seek out one of those alternative options, such as pausing long enough to think of the other’s entire situation and how they may be feeling. The choice to allow pride to govern marriage leads to sorrow, but to allow loving humility to govern marriage leads to happiness. And as Goddard says,

“Love is not a happy accident; It is a choice.”