Playing by the Same Rules

A few years into college I met two brothers who were a lot of fun and easy to hang out with. But when it came to playing games, not many people enjoyed their quick wit and joyful nature. The problem was that in any given game most people play following the rules and setting out to achieve the game’s depicted objective according to the rule book. These brothers never did that. They created their own objective. They may have lost the actual game terribly, but that didn’t matter at all. Sometimes they had a noble objective with hopes simply to include someone that desperately needed including, other times their sole objective was to annoy someone. But the point was that it didn’t matter to them who won the game’s actual objective because what mattered to them was the game they were actually playing.

With that story in mind, I want to talk about the power of compromise in marriage.

I once heard a saying that went something like:

Compromise = two people agreeing to a lose/lose situation.

This explains two people giving in and losing because neither one actually gets what they really want.

But what is it that is lost? Power? Freedom? Control? Maybe. But, what is the game, and what is the objective of that game? When seen as a lose/lose situation, compromise means that two people are playing the same game but with a different objective.

In fact, it would mean that they are so focused on winning the game that they are not worried about their partner’s feelings or goals.

In his book, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman explains the reasons and consequences of why some people can’t find a compromise. He calls these uncompromising situations “gridlock,” and explains why couples feel that they are losing if they compromise. He says,

“Gridlock is a sign that you each have dreams for your life that the other isn’t aware of, or hasn’t acknowledged, or doesn’t respect.”

Gridlock in some cases can go on for years, where two people dig in their heals so deep on their side of an issue that they cannot compromise. Gottman suggest that in happy marriages in order for a true compromise to be reached both parties must win, and that can be achieved as they discuss the dreams behind their desires. In the end of the day, the game you are playing is not so important as being sure that you and your spouse are playing by the same rules.

So next time you and your spouse have that same old argument about that subject that no one ever wants to talk about because it only ever leads to an argument because you just don’t seem to see eye to eye on, try changing your objective. Stop worrying about who is winning and loosing. Stop talking in circles. Get out of gridlock by talking about the rules you are playing by. Talk about your dreams and goals that drive you moves. Get on the same page with your spouse and start playing with all the rules out in the open. Games are much more fun to play when you are playing the game together and not playing your own game with someone that feels lost, confused, and left out.