Decide to See the Good

I heard a story the other day, in which a couple went in to see a therapist because they were having trouble. The therapist counseled them each to list out five things about their spouse that bothered them. The wife went first and easily listed out five things. When it was the husband’s turn, he looked at his wife and said, “There isn’t anything I don’t like about you.”

Why is it that every single time I hear these stories I am (less and less) surprised to hear that only one in the relationship was actually struggling? The other had no complaint at all.

My theory, well, at least in my case: I seem to more easily forget the good and focus on the negative.

When I met my husband I knew right away that I was going to marry that stranger ice skating beside me.

That's right, I knew right away. It didn’t take long before I could see what a good fit he really was for me. I was amazed at how well we worked for each other. Not long after that, I broke up with him… Suddenly, I started to question, then doubt, then only look at the negative about him, forgetting my own flaws. There were so many things that conflicted my mind and heart that I ended up a little lost and confused about who he really was. The next few months were filled with patience on his part and learning on mine.  He was patient and kind, and I was a crazy who couldn’t get her head on right because I was too busy doubting everything.

Finally, I felt prompted to make a list. I wanted to physically write out and see all the things that made him so easily lovable to me, and all the things that worried me about our potential future. It was meant to be a pro/con list to really try to figure out who he really was. It ended up being a major pro list though. I had set out to find the good in him. He isn’t perfect, no. But suddenly, I could see all his good and I knew that the things that I had worried about were minor and insignificant. 

I wish I could say that I never have the same recurring problem ever anymore. But I can't. Ever once in a while, and way too often it creeps back in. I focus on the less than perfect and forget all the perfect and good in him.

As it turns out, I may not be the only one that knows what this feels like. In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman says, “By simply reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities--even as you grapple with each other’s flaws--you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating.”

Now suddenly for the umpteenth time I am looking back over the years and wondering who did this guy marry? And honestly, what was he thinking? But when this happens, as it does, he looks at me and smiles and says, “I married the best girl in the world.” Well, untrue, but I love him all the more for it. What a guy.

So, what are we meant to live this way?

No, we are meant to become better. So, my job is to keep on that list of the good. Or at very least keep focusing on the positive things about my honey that are still so prominent in his nature. As I focus on who he really is and not just who I perceive him to be when I am in a bad or negative mood, suddenly, my life is happier and my marriage more fulfilling. I love Gottman's advice. He encourages people to think positively about their spouse and dwell on the good. How different life would be if I did this through the challenges as well as the rest the time.