Decide to See the Good

I heard a story the other day, in which a couple went in to see a therapist because they were having trouble. The therapist counseled them each to list out five things about their spouse that bothered them. The wife went first and easily listed out five things. When it was the husband’s turn, he looked at his wife and said, “There isn’t anything I don’t like about you.”

Why is it that every single time I hear these stories I am (less and less) surprised to hear that only one in the relationship was actually struggling? The other had no complaint at all.

My theory, well, at least in my case: I seem to more easily forget the good and focus on the negative.

When I met my husband I knew right away that I was going to marry that stranger ice skating beside me.

That's right, I knew right away. It didn’t take long before I could see what a good fit he really was for me. I was amazed at how well we worked for each other. Not long after that, I broke up with him… Suddenly, I started to question, then doubt, then only look at the negative about him, forgetting my own flaws. There were so many things that conflicted my mind and heart that I ended up a little lost and confused about who he really was. The next few months were filled with patience on his part and learning on mine.  He was patient and kind, and I was a crazy who couldn’t get her head on right because I was too busy doubting everything.

Finally, I felt prompted to make a list. I wanted to physically write out and see all the things that made him so easily lovable to me, and all the things that worried me about our potential future. It was meant to be a pro/con list to really try to figure out who he really was. It ended up being a major pro list though. I had set out to find the good in him. He isn’t perfect, no. But suddenly, I could see all his good and I knew that the things that I had worried about were minor and insignificant. 

I wish I could say that I never have the same recurring problem ever anymore. But I can't. Ever once in a while, and way too often it creeps back in. I focus on the less than perfect and forget all the perfect and good in him.

As it turns out, I may not be the only one that knows what this feels like. In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman says, “By simply reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities--even as you grapple with each other’s flaws--you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating.”

Now suddenly for the umpteenth time I am looking back over the years and wondering who did this guy marry? And honestly, what was he thinking? But when this happens, as it does, he looks at me and smiles and says, “I married the best girl in the world.” Well, untrue, but I love him all the more for it. What a guy.

So, what are we meant to live this way?

No, we are meant to become better. So, my job is to keep on that list of the good. Or at very least keep focusing on the positive things about my honey that are still so prominent in his nature. As I focus on who he really is and not just who I perceive him to be when I am in a bad or negative mood, suddenly, my life is happier and my marriage more fulfilling. I love Gottman's advice. He encourages people to think positively about their spouse and dwell on the good. How different life would be if I did this through the challenges as well as the rest the time.

What Could 20 Minutes a Day Do?

20 minutes is 1/1440 part of the day. It is almost nothing! Yet, in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,John Gottman says, if “fitness buffs spent just 10% of their weekly workout time-- say 20 minutes a day-- working on their marriage instead of their bodies, they would get three times the health benefits they derive from exercise class or the treadmill.” While it is true according to his research that:

happy marriage= healthy people

But that is not my point. 20 minutes. Just 20 minutes a day working on my marriage. That thought has resonated in my mind since I read that quote. When was the last time I spent 20 minutes “working” on my marriage on a daily basis?

I have said this before because I really believe it, but my husband and I are happily married. Not perfectly married, but we are happy and trying. But I have seen all too often that things as they are now, are not guaranteed to always be. Basically, things are always changing. People are always changing. Despite the fact that the things that we struggle with don’t often change without a ton of effort, things that we put no effort in maintaining change fairly rapidly.

So, let’s look for just a second at 20 minutes. What could we accomplish in 20 minutes of concentrated effort every day? I think of all the things I do on a daily basis and honestly, most of them are centered on survival.

I spent 20 minutes preparing and eating breakfast.

I do about the same, if not longer, with lunch.

And I spend about 3 times that on dinner.

I spend maybe twice that getting ready for the day,

Twice that exercising every day.

And 1.5 times that on spiritual revival every day.

So, how much time did I use to take care of (actually WORK on) the most important relationship in my world? I don’t even want to think about how little time that was.

Here is the thing. Our bodies aren’t healthy without some concentrated and regular care to them. We can eat fast food, and that is great occasionally, especially when time is short. But every meal, every day? Not healthy. Relationships are not different. If I hope for a happy marriage for eternity it is going to require focus and effort.

What could and would you do if you spent 20 minutes of concentrated effort every day working on your marriage?

Marriage-hard work but so worth it!

My husband and I were married on December 29, 2012. I would love to say that it was a wonderful sunny and warm winter day in Southern California. After all, the weather is always great in Southern California, right? Perfect for an outdoor reception, right? Wrong.

The entire week leading up to our big day was wonderful. And warm. On our particular day we woke up to cold and stormy skies. It rained ALL DAY! In that sense, the day looked like it would be a disaster.

It wasn’t a disaster though. Not even close actually. Everything was perfect. The overcasty skies held their own kind of beauty and promise and I was so excited about all that the day really was about, that I barely noticed the weather. It also probably helped that I had my hunk by my side every second. But in reality, the thing that made it the day the best day of my life was that I was marrying the man of my dreams for time and all eternity in the right place.

We were married in the LDS Newport Beach Temple. And I wouldn’t have changed a thing.

The real point is that that day we made a covenant with each other and the Lord that we would love, honor, and cherish each other for eternity. No parting at death. We vowed that we would stick together come rain or shine. After all, we were having our first day of rain anyways, how hard could it get??

Fast forward a few years and a few kids down the road, and we have learned some of life’s challenges can be more than we expected. We are learning what  Elder Bruce C. Hafen of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints meant when he said, “Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.” We, by no means, have faced the worst of the worst things. In fact, to many, I am sure that our trudge through life so far seems like it has been more like a breeze. But through our trials we are continuing to learn. After all, a 50% on a test in school would be a fail. And if that is all I would be willing to put forth for my marriage, my marriage would have done just that a long time ago: failed.

Elder Hafen goes on to say, “When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God.”

The fact of the matter is that marriage requires all of a person. It requires us to be better and more than we are. And if we will rise to the challenge, it continues to be well worth it.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not naive enough to think that living this way is always easy. Really it can be a terrifying thought. Elder Hafen continues, “Covenant marriage requires a total leap of faith: they must keep their covenants without knowing what risks that may require of them. They must surrender unconditionally, obeying God and sacrificing for each other. Then they will discover what Alma [in the Book of Mormon] called “incomprehensible joy.”

And that is why it’s worth it. “Incomprehensible joy.” Faith is hard, but the alternative is doubt, and that is impossible to live with.

On the day of our wedding, I could not have ever imagined “seeking happiness elsewhere by walking away.” Now, a few years later, it seems even more impossible to me. Yet, faith through the years has become a more important element in our marriage. Faith is the key that keeps us moving closer to our Savior and in so doing, closer to each other.

Whose rights matter most? 

Rome was not a perfect civilization but in some ways I think they were on to something. Their reign was strong and it lasted for a long time. Two of their beliefs contributed to build their strength. Familia and Civitas, or family and citizenship, were two of the main driving components of the Roman culture. Their honor and respect were shown by how they honored those two things.

So, there is application here. Our nation has lost site of the greater good. I am saddened every time I hear someone fighting for same sex marriage. Why? Because of familia and civitas. Despite the untrue argument that same sex marriages are able to create homes and families equal to those of heterosexual couples, the children in those families are always missing one important thing: the set of both biological parents. The biology between mothers and fathers and their children connect families together to build strong social units. Those families in turn create places of refuge for individuals. Those places of refuge are homes. Those home contribute to civilization, in other words our government. Our government regulates and defines marriage because it depends on those families raising families. And it needs those families to be strong and have strong ties to each other. Unfortunately, in same sex marriages, children suffer knowing that their family is not biologically complete.

I will never forget the first moment I laid eyes on my son. He was tiny and perfect in every way. My husband chuckled and said, “Wow, he looks just like your brother!” My family's genes are strong. We didn’t realize how strong until we had baby #2. Our little baby girl was born just a year and a half later. They were both 7 lbs. and 12 oz. and both were born with long blonde hair. In many ways, we felt as though we had twins just a year and a half apart. And she looks just like me. But in temperament, they are both just like their father! But there is more than just love that connects our family. There is biology.

Biologically, children innately hope that those beings that created them are here for them now and always will be.

As a daughter of a homosexual mother noted, “When two adults who cannot procreate want to raise children together, where do those babies come from? Each child is conceived by a mother and a father to whom that child has a natural right. When a child is placed in a same-sex-headed household, she will miss out on at least one critical parental relationship and a vital dual-gender influence. The nature of the adults’ union guarantees this. Whether by adoption, divorce, or third-party reproduction, the adults in this scenario satisfy their heart’s desires, while the child bears the most significant cost: missing out on one or more of her biological parents.” Katy Faust.

Same sex marriage should not be an option for anyone. And here is why:

Primarily, as the dissenting judges in the 2015 Supreme Court Case that legalized same sex marriage in the United States stated, the sexual relationship between men and women is the only relationship that can actually bring children into the world, and thus are the only way to replenish the population. Society is built on families, and only heterosexual relationships can built those families. Marriage is an institution that legally binds parents to each other and to their children providing the best circumstances with which to raise those children.

Secondly, children thrive when they have both gendered parents raising them because the gender differences between men and women complement each other.

Every verse of the National Anthem ends describing the flag of our nation waving “O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.” Being an American means I am home in this land. However, with the rising individualism that says the right of the adult is more important than the right of the children, that home is becoming more a house filled with strangers than a home filled with family.