Playing by the Same Rules

A few years into college I met two brothers who were a lot of fun and easy to hang out with. But when it came to playing games, not many people enjoyed their quick wit and joyful nature. The problem was that in any given game most people play following the rules and setting out to achieve the game’s depicted objective according to the rule book. These brothers never did that. They created their own objective. They may have lost the actual game terribly, but that didn’t matter at all. Sometimes they had a noble objective with hopes simply to include someone that desperately needed including, other times their sole objective was to annoy someone. But the point was that it didn’t matter to them who won the game’s actual objective because what mattered to them was the game they were actually playing.

With that story in mind, I want to talk about the power of compromise in marriage.

I once heard a saying that went something like:

Compromise = two people agreeing to a lose/lose situation.

This explains two people giving in and losing because neither one actually gets what they really want.

But what is it that is lost? Power? Freedom? Control? Maybe. But, what is the game, and what is the objective of that game? When seen as a lose/lose situation, compromise means that two people are playing the same game but with a different objective.

In fact, it would mean that they are so focused on winning the game that they are not worried about their partner’s feelings or goals.

In his book, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman explains the reasons and consequences of why some people can’t find a compromise. He calls these uncompromising situations “gridlock,” and explains why couples feel that they are losing if they compromise. He says,

“Gridlock is a sign that you each have dreams for your life that the other isn’t aware of, or hasn’t acknowledged, or doesn’t respect.”

Gridlock in some cases can go on for years, where two people dig in their heals so deep on their side of an issue that they cannot compromise. Gottman suggest that in happy marriages in order for a true compromise to be reached both parties must win, and that can be achieved as they discuss the dreams behind their desires. In the end of the day, the game you are playing is not so important as being sure that you and your spouse are playing by the same rules.

So next time you and your spouse have that same old argument about that subject that no one ever wants to talk about because it only ever leads to an argument because you just don’t seem to see eye to eye on, try changing your objective. Stop worrying about who is winning and loosing. Stop talking in circles. Get out of gridlock by talking about the rules you are playing by. Talk about your dreams and goals that drive you moves. Get on the same page with your spouse and start playing with all the rules out in the open. Games are much more fun to play when you are playing the game together and not playing your own game with someone that feels lost, confused, and left out.

Give it Your All

I have said it before, but growing up, I watched my parents make marriage look easy. The most remarkable thing about their marriage was their absolute unity. It seemed flawless. The one thing we kids knew was that they were a united front. Everything they did as parents reflected the deeper principle that in their marriage they were one. They loved each other and they liked each other. They were all in.

How do couples achieve such unity? The underlying principle lies in math. Logically, or should I say mathematically, two halves equal a whole. It is really as simple as that. But in united marriages, the math is far more complicated, yet much more simple.

Most in the world would define it as a 50/50 union where the husband and wife both give 50% thus mathematically equaling 100%. But that couldn’t be more wrong. If two people in a couple were to each give 50% they would be putting forth a failing effort. And reflecting their effort, their marriage would likely fail.

Unity in marriage will not come from two spouses giving an equal 50%.

So really, the equation should look like this:

100% wife + 100% husband=100% Unity in marriage.

In his book, Drawing Heaven Into Our Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard said:

“No partner on the face of the earth can meet all our needs. In mortality, we live with disappointment. We can dwell on our discontent or we can celebrate the points of connection.”

Giving 100% in a marriage isn’t easy. It means doing all you can in order to:

“…dedicate our lives, our talents, our weekends, and our weaknesses to the sacred enterprise of sanctifying our marriages and ultimately perfecting our souls.”

Giving 100% in marriage is a great protection. It prevents petty differences from becoming what John Gottman calls “perpetual differences.” Perpetual differences are unsolvable problems in which hidden or unspoken dreams are unnoticed or disregarded, thus creating uncompromising hearts and contentious disputes that never seem to get solved. 

Giving 100% causes two people to come together and in the face of differing personalities, preferences and pet peeves to compromise, give in or give up whatever may be standing in the way of oneness. It teaches that true unity is true power. We cannot fully trust, understand, or love another while we are only giving a half effort. 

Love is Not a Happy Accident

Like any other little girl, I spent my movie watching hours enthralled with fairy tales. My particular favorite was Sleeping Beauty. 

What a tale of heroism, courage, love, and winning against all odds. I longed for my own story complete with my personal “and they lived happily ever after.”

What those movies left out were a few details about how exactly those “happily ever afters” are really achieved. It neglects including any of those hiccups that are bound to come along.

For example, a few weeks ago my husband spent a week in Europe for work. The kids and I had a great week. But we were very excited for dad to come home. I couldn’t wait for him to be home so we could relax and talk and just enjoy each other’s company with some adult conversation. When he got home we had a party! But I forgot one major factor with his return. 

He had spent the week in a very different time zone and jet lag was something I didn’t factor in. I had unrealistic expectation about his return and his need for sleep while I had hopes of conversation. It left me feeling… well… irritated. After all, didn’t he understand how much I needed his attention? Did he miss me too? And the complaints went on and on from there with the one focus… me.

Well, where does irritation come from? What is it? And what does it do for marriage?

In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard says irritation is one of Satan’s tactics to divide relationships. He says,

 “When we are feeling irked, annoyed, or irritated with our spouse, we have our backs toward heaven… The natural man is inclined to love himself and fix others. God has asked us to do the opposite.” Goddard suggests that “irritation can prompt us to immediate humility and immediate repentance.”

Was I in the wrong for wanting my husband’s attention? I don’t think so, no. In fact, if I didn’t than that would say something very different about our marriage. However, was I thinking about his needs? No. And was he wrong for being tired? Again, no, he wasn’t in the wrong either. So who was right? Does it matter? But the minute I allowed pride to cause irritation, I was in the wrong. The real problem is that selfishness and pride are the opposite of humility. They cannot exist at the same time. But neither can a happy marriage exist with selfishness and pride. So what could I have done?

A teacher I once had used to suggest that “more important than being right, was being united.” I never really understood what he meant until now. Pride caused me to feel like I am in the right, when in reality fighting my case only brings contention and misery. Ultimately, what did I win for fighting to prove I was right? NOTHING. In fact, I won less than nothing. So, more importantly than prideful rightness, is loving humility which brings unity. Successful marriage is about connection, but pride leaves you very lonely.  In the end of the day, there are better ways to deal with hiccups in marriage. Hiccups are bound to come but pride should never govern them. Irritation can be a perfect indicator that we need to seek out one of those alternative options, such as pausing long enough to think of the other’s entire situation and how they may be feeling. The choice to allow pride to govern marriage leads to sorrow, but to allow loving humility to govern marriage leads to happiness. And as Goddard says,

“Love is not a happy accident; It is a choice.”

Tradition

                 I grew up in a happy home with a happy family. Now that I am a mom, I realize how amazing my parents were. They made things that are really quite hard (and require A TON of energy) look so easy… as if it were no work at all. As a mom, I can see how much work is required to incorporate the important things into life. As I am building my own family, I am looking at my childhood more closely to figure out how to build a successful home myself and I can see that what made life wonderful were our family rituals, or traditions.

                Christmas was full of them. We had traditions leading up to Christmas, we had traditions that were a part of Christmas, and we had traditions after Christmas to cope with the fact that Christmas was over. These traditions built strong bonds within our family and taught us how to make life fun and centered on important things with the most important people in our lives.

                 So how does this apply to marriage? John Gottman says,

“Creating rituals in your marriage (and with your children) can be a powerful antidote to this tendency to disconnect. A ritual is a structured event or routine that you each enjoy and depend on and that both reflects and reinforces your sense of togetherness.”

                 The rituals we incorporate into our marriage (and family) can include anything that builds the bond between you. They become defining aspects of our lives and relationships. They strengthen the bonds we share and fortify our relationships from distraction, from distress, from disagreements, and from our very differences.

                 I have seen firsthand in my life the power of rituals.

     I share the most important ritual in my life with my husband. It is faith in God and in His son, Jesus Christ. In his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard quoted President Ezra Taft Benson when he said,

“When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities. We should put God ahead of everyone else in our lives.”

               Putting God ahead of even each other, my husband and I can know that our priorities are in the proper order. It is the most comforting ritual we work on every single day. We are by no means perfect at it, but I know that as we continually work on it, or heads are on straight and the decisions big or small that we make are with the right purposes in mind. This tradition guides everything including what oppositions we allow in our lives and marriage and the answers of how best to deal with them.

             There is nothing more important than the rituals in our home. Whether they define how we celebrate holidays, or how we talk to each other on a daily basis, the traditions and rituals that guide our home and family are everything. They are worth all the energy (and probably much more) that we can possibly put into them.