In-laws

Growing up I often wondered what it would be like to have in-laws. Stereo-typically, in-laws are awful people. They butt into your lives and create drama. Often times they hate you for even existing. And they tend to be judgmental and overly critical annoyances that create rifts within your marriage.

Then I met my husband’s family. They were similar to mine. They were kind. They were inclusive. They were friendly. As I held them up against the stereotypical in-laws I wondered what would change with time. In my case, our relationships only get better. In my experience “the in-laws” are nothing like the stereotype.

Having had studied this week in my marriage class about in-laws and the damage they can cause in a marriage, and having had spent the past two weeks with the many recent additions to my family of origin, I began to consider what kind of in-law I am. For the first time I stopped thinking of others as my in-laws and starting thinking of me as theirs.

I looked back over the very start of my relationship with my husband and his family. I remember feeling nervous and worried wanting their approval. I remember after the very first visit wondering if they thought I was a good fit for their son and brother, and for their family. I really didn't want to be the one puzzle piece that found its way into the wrong puzzle. Apparently, they approved.

Getting back to me as the in-law… I spent the past two weeks with my family. There are six of us original children. Five of us have been married within the past 5 years, two of which were in the last 6 months.

While noticing the differences between the differing relationships among my siblings, my husband reminded me how difficult I felt it was at first to be the new one in the family. Despite loving all of my sibling’s spouses, I was reminded of how hard the transition was for me into my husband’s family despite their accepting and welcoming natures toward me.

I came to the conclusion that it is far easier to be the family of origin than it is to be the addition to it. In other words, it is much more difficult to be the implant into someone else’s family of origin.

Yet, the guiding family rule in our family is that marriage is binding. And part of marriage is as the bible counsels,” leaving father and mother and cleaving” to your spouse. In their book entitled Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World," James Harper and Susan Olson explain the power of family bonds by siting 1 Corinthians 12 in the Bible. They explain, “For as the body is one, and hath many members, and all the members of that one body, being many, are one body… And the eye cannot say unto the hand, I have no need of thee: nor again the head to the feet, I have no need of you.” So is the family. When my sibling marries someone, that someone becomes part of him/her, and in turn part of the body of us. We don’t cut off the hand.

 

Here is the real kicker for me… using this analogy, a person without a limb has a more difficult life. What others feel are ordinary and easy day to day tasks are much more difficult. The same goes for the family. United as a whole, families are stronger than if (especially because of differences) they are missing members. Moreover, marriages are stronger if the original body accepts and welcomes the new spouse.  I had never thought of this last part before. Marriages are stronger if the original body accepts and welcomes the new spouse. In other words, the better I accept my siblings’ spouses, the more I am helping strengthen my siblings’ marriages.

Adding Kids to the Mix

Over the last several weeks I have discussed the hardships and challenges within marriage. One major challenge that greatly affects marriages is adding kids to the mix.

Children turn life up-side-down. With simply referring to the transition alone, having children means entering a world of new things. Even if the parents have a lot of experience with children, having your own is a totally new experience. They never turn off. They are always there. Especially as newborns, they always need something and for the first few years they can’t actually tell you as the parent what they need. When they are hungry, they cry. When they are tired, they cry. When they need a diaper change, they cry. When they are hot, they cry. For years they depend on mommy and daddy for not only every single need, but actually anticipating every single need all day and all night. And if they don’t cry for any one of those things, as a parent, you start to worry and wonder, “Are they okay? Are they sick? Are they starving? What is going on with this little baby that I love and that cannot tell me exactly what they need?”

Then, when you finally feel like you have it all figured out and you feel ready to have another kid, that kid comes and changes all the rules. They have their own needs, their own personalities, their own frustrations and their own everything. And suddenly you feel like a total amateur all over again.

While discussing with the many new and much more experienced parents within my immediate family, I asked a few questions about their transitions to and through parenthood. Although their situations are all unique, and their parenting strategies are all very different, there were a few things they all had in common. It seemed that all of them felt that in order to have success within their new found family dynamics, they have to abide by specific rules that could always be constants, no matter how many additions, or what additions to the family came their way.

Without my siblings realizing it, they explained the exact four principles that Richard B.  Miller, Director of the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University explains should be guiding principles within the family. They include

1. Parents are the leaders of the family.
2. Parents must be united in their leadership.
3. The parent-child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults.
4. The marital relationship should be a partnership.

All of the members in my family are great parents. They all do parenting very differently, but each one of them independently feel that the easiest and most natural change in their transition to parenthood was loving that new little baby no matter the sacrifice or challenge that came with him/her. They all have these overarching principles guiding them through the challenges that come with the greatest responsibility they will ever have.

I have always wondered how infidelity within marriage takes place.  How do two people find each other, fall in love, and decide to get married. But then a number of years later find themselves struggling to love that same person because they are unfortunately falling in love with another.

When I found my husband, I knew we were off to a great start.  

One day in my singles church group a new guy walked in. A friend of mine looked over and rhetorically asked, “Who is the new eye candy??” loud enough for everyone around her to hear.

From that point on his former name (or actual name) was almost an afterthought. Everyone knew him as “eye candy.” And for good reason. He was a good looking guy. But aside from his looks, he was responsible, kind, intelligent, loyal, and just all around good. Everyone went out of their way to be around him, and all the girls wanted to date him. Fortunately for me, he was an amazing man on the hunt for the” right” girl. After we met he seemed to have determined pretty quickly that it was me. We started dating, but I had a few worries and as I have mentioned in past posts for reasons I won’t get into here… I broke up with him.

During that time of separation it was hard to stay away from each other. He was friends with everyone. He was invited everywhere.  I could see that even though we were no longer dating, others girls didn’t interest him. He only had eyes for me. Even though other girls hoped he would ask them out, he was still only interesting in dating me. That faithfulness despite hardship was one of the many important factors that helped me determine that he too was the one for me.

Almost five years after coining his nickname (by which many still refer to him, including me), we are happily married.  

This is just my love story. Other couples have very different stories with one great similarity: That is that they met, fell in love, and decided to make promises to each other to love, honor, and cherish each other for the rest of their lives. The problem is that all couples fit into this same category at first. But it can be dangerous to think that our relationship can be immune to infidelity. Without actively working on and strengthening our marriage, and actively avoiding the pitfalls of infidelity, anyone can find themselves in trouble.

Unfortunately many people find that cherishing their spouse is much more difficult than they thought it would be. For some, faithfulness to their spouse waivers and they find themselves starting the process with someone new. The only problem is, they are still married.

So how does infidelity happen?

According to H. Wallace Goddard in his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, there is a path that leads to infidelity and it all starts with innocent intentions. He calls it the:

Progression of Unfaithfulness

·         Behaviors that seem innocent (i.e., missionary work, doing good, helping in some capacity)

·         An affection grows that claims part of one’s heart

·         Extramarital flirting. Justification-“no harm intended”

·         Relationship declared as “special”

·         Opportunities created to see “special friend” (One worries what others will say/think)

·         Excuses made, lies told to hide time and resources spent on other person

·         Spouse is displaced. Emotional intimacy exchanged with “special friend”

·         Faultfinding with spouse

·         Fantasies about other person

·         Physical affection– a squeeze, a kiss, a hug

·         Sexual relations

Infidelity is a slippery slope. It doesn’t always start with the end (or your spouse) in mind. But in order to prevent it that is exactly where our mind should be: On the end result of our actions and on our spouse. In order to avoiding falling down that slippery slope so fast and so far that there is no recovery,  we must be proactive about creating our own happy marriage and avoiding any of the steps that lead in the other direction.